There are a lot of secrets in District 9 now that Speed Racer has completely changed the equation. I think there is something wrong with Esther when Death saves the best for 3-D. If it doesn't have JP on it then it isn't Jurassic Park only at the Grindhouse. It's the best a man can get when you have it your way.
Better chickens lay eggs when hatched, but this is a so so proposition. The Proposition sucks. A sepia master class of boringness. Oh lord, what a poignant movie. I've never seen anything that meant so little to me. They, the American government, should build a monument to the manifest destiny document Torque. Once sold on the street to fight gang crime, Torque now is rightly sold at your local DVD merchant. This is true for 2 reasons: 1. It is a DVD. 2. It is a DVD. With that base of knowledge I sent in my resignation to Mensa. Organization for minty freshness, my Lucy Goosey ass. I wasn't a member but I thought they would appreciate it. Wait, I have a lot of saline solution. Too bad it isn't as effective anymore, not since the dark time, not since the empire. But these are all things we can discuss over baby. Anybody else fully aroused right now? I have been since the bologna sandwich. Bought this stuff for you nearly 3 years ago and have been too chickenshit to do anything about it. There are no tickets to anything. There is nowhere to go. But I have a phone, right? Looking at this thing for a long time coming. Reorganized for superior editorial clarity. Re-clogging the drain because I am to lazy to do it in the toilet. I will never go to one of those things. It asks to many questions about my personnel life. They are slaves and no one is going to tell me otherwise. Do you see what I did there? I used irrelevancy rather than logic. Been trying to write this for years, but this gets in the way. The right of way. Go ahead asshole. Slow shit prick. The center divider is for stains like you. Way too much cheese is on this plate. Could you bring me something else? There has to be something to satisfy. I would be relieved.
Boo Radley behind the door. She caught me in a lie. Knew all too well. Passed down from assholes like you.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Heart Of The Country
I had the craziest dream last night. I was watching a United States platoon run through the jungles of Vietnam. No one was shooting but they were all running for their lives. A lone, gigantic hanger erupts out of the ground in front of them. The platoon changes into South American guerilla warriors and bust into the compound. A Columbian drug cartel dressed like gangsters and spies in Casablanca open fire on the guerillas. At this point I go from watcher of the dream to active participant with a first person view as one of the guerillas. I take cover behind a large crate as a couple gansters standing on the wing of a parked plane open fire on me. One of the gangsters takes his hat off and mops his brow, taunting me. I stand up to fire and catch a bundle of bullets in my chest. I can feel each one thud inside me. I turn and catch a few more in my right arm at the elbow. I immediately drop the the ground. I think "This is it" as I stare at the ceiling. My vision begins to tunnel and I can feel life leaving me like a great weight being pulled out of my chest. I accept death for an instant. Then I push against death and light fills my eyes and my thoughts yell "No! Not yet!"
I wake up. True story.
My sister says every meat log is a good meat log. She had her friends over. They showed up as I was watching tennis. My sister asked if the match I was watching was important. Like a dick, I said something around "No, NBC just plays stuff nobody wants to watch. They play meaningless matches." "You are always going to to treat me like your little sister, aren't you?" she responds. My dad said that to me recently during a lunch with the two of them. I think it's still ringing in her ears.
I watched Time Bandits and In The Line of Fire. Both real pieces of work. Eastwood didn't direct Fire because he was worn out from everything involving Unforgiven. He just wanted to act. So Wolfgang Peterson took over. That movie is awesome. Back when Fred Thompson was cool. Like in The Hunt for Red October. I always thought Fred Thompson looked a lot like that Viggo dude in the painting from Ghostbusters 2. There are a few scenes on Air Force One in Fire. Can see the seeds of that movie being planted in Wolfgang. Time Bandits is incredible by the way. A bunch of dwarfs that headed the shrubs development department at the beginning of time steal a map from god that shows them how to travel through rips in time space. They aim to become international bandits with it. What starts with them stealing the golden hand off a blacked-out Napoleon leads them to fighting a battle against the Devil. And it all wraps up with a George Harrison song. He produced the movie as well.
Ram is a very good album. It is Paul McCartney's first solo album. It is actually credited to Paul and Linda McCartney. My friend Abe marveled that I recognized the album when he played it. It seems we are the only two people at the age of 22 who know about it. We weren't 22 then.
This guy does be best covers of Beatles related stuff. Here is one from Ram:
That is what I was able to deduce.
I wake up. True story.
My sister says every meat log is a good meat log. She had her friends over. They showed up as I was watching tennis. My sister asked if the match I was watching was important. Like a dick, I said something around "No, NBC just plays stuff nobody wants to watch. They play meaningless matches." "You are always going to to treat me like your little sister, aren't you?" she responds. My dad said that to me recently during a lunch with the two of them. I think it's still ringing in her ears.
I watched Time Bandits and In The Line of Fire. Both real pieces of work. Eastwood didn't direct Fire because he was worn out from everything involving Unforgiven. He just wanted to act. So Wolfgang Peterson took over. That movie is awesome. Back when Fred Thompson was cool. Like in The Hunt for Red October. I always thought Fred Thompson looked a lot like that Viggo dude in the painting from Ghostbusters 2. There are a few scenes on Air Force One in Fire. Can see the seeds of that movie being planted in Wolfgang. Time Bandits is incredible by the way. A bunch of dwarfs that headed the shrubs development department at the beginning of time steal a map from god that shows them how to travel through rips in time space. They aim to become international bandits with it. What starts with them stealing the golden hand off a blacked-out Napoleon leads them to fighting a battle against the Devil. And it all wraps up with a George Harrison song. He produced the movie as well.
Ram is a very good album. It is Paul McCartney's first solo album. It is actually credited to Paul and Linda McCartney. My friend Abe marveled that I recognized the album when he played it. It seems we are the only two people at the age of 22 who know about it. We weren't 22 then.
This guy does be best covers of Beatles related stuff. Here is one from Ram:
That is what I was able to deduce.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Way to go, Idaho
The Chinese are at it again. They forgot the mustard.
I have been blasting Beck's Modern Guilt into my brain since it came out. Acquired during one of my many visits/stays at JT's while everyone who actually lives there was working. In fact, whenever JT was not blasting his own tunes, I would take over and play one of two songs.
1. Gamma Ray
or
2. Chemtrails
After months of playing these two songs exclusively on his computer, JT deleted the album to make room for comedy recordings. I guess JT can help out victims of Katrina and Gustov but helping a brother out and playing music he does not like through his computer is too much. What a towering dick.
It's ok, I got over it quick because I have drugs. In a few weeks I'll do a bunch more in between doing more drugs. That is just the way drugs work. You do them when you have nothing to do or something really cool to do. And for the rest you do drugs.
I was crying like a strong man should while watching Cinema Paradiso for the first time. Started watching a half an hour into it too. In those circumstances I almost always change the channel. I'm Woody Allen in Annie Hall complaining about how the movie has already started. It's film freak bullshit that no one should put up with because when are we ever going to see this movie again? Found it on TV by accident to begin with, so why waste this opportunity? What an excellent chronicle of someone's life lived through and dictated by movies. The Dreamers is a child of this movie, though Paradiso is about the heartbreak of an entire life while Dreamers is the heartbreak of youth. Both are about how great it is to go to the movies. To yell and scream. To recite it line for line like an old poem.
Go to the movies, people. I guarantee My Big Fat Greek Wedding will never play as good as it did in a packed theatre. Snakes On A Plane either. Hell, I drank a pitcher of beer and bottle of Jack and Coke to help me through watching Rush Hour 3 with a packed opening day audience. Was anybody else excited that Max Von Sydow reprized his role from Minority Report?
I have not seen the previous installments of Rush Hour, but I do like this:
So I watched Cinema Paradiso, Office Space, and half of Go. I turned to it as Timothy Olyphant yells at Katie Holmes and asks her if she is a virgin. "Answer the question, Claire!" Katie guesses right that its the Breakfast Club. What a match.
Now tell your dog to go get your slippers.
I have been blasting Beck's Modern Guilt into my brain since it came out. Acquired during one of my many visits/stays at JT's while everyone who actually lives there was working. In fact, whenever JT was not blasting his own tunes, I would take over and play one of two songs.
1. Gamma Ray
or
2. Chemtrails
After months of playing these two songs exclusively on his computer, JT deleted the album to make room for comedy recordings. I guess JT can help out victims of Katrina and Gustov but helping a brother out and playing music he does not like through his computer is too much. What a towering dick.
It's ok, I got over it quick because I have drugs. In a few weeks I'll do a bunch more in between doing more drugs. That is just the way drugs work. You do them when you have nothing to do or something really cool to do. And for the rest you do drugs.
I was crying like a strong man should while watching Cinema Paradiso for the first time. Started watching a half an hour into it too. In those circumstances I almost always change the channel. I'm Woody Allen in Annie Hall complaining about how the movie has already started. It's film freak bullshit that no one should put up with because when are we ever going to see this movie again? Found it on TV by accident to begin with, so why waste this opportunity? What an excellent chronicle of someone's life lived through and dictated by movies. The Dreamers is a child of this movie, though Paradiso is about the heartbreak of an entire life while Dreamers is the heartbreak of youth. Both are about how great it is to go to the movies. To yell and scream. To recite it line for line like an old poem.
Go to the movies, people. I guarantee My Big Fat Greek Wedding will never play as good as it did in a packed theatre. Snakes On A Plane either. Hell, I drank a pitcher of beer and bottle of Jack and Coke to help me through watching Rush Hour 3 with a packed opening day audience. Was anybody else excited that Max Von Sydow reprized his role from Minority Report?
I have not seen the previous installments of Rush Hour, but I do like this:
So I watched Cinema Paradiso, Office Space, and half of Go. I turned to it as Timothy Olyphant yells at Katie Holmes and asks her if she is a virgin. "Answer the question, Claire!" Katie guesses right that its the Breakfast Club. What a match.
Now tell your dog to go get your slippers.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Snarky
My, oh my. America has fallen in love with the the peculiar, snarky, and impossible. Brooke Busey-Hunt recognized this characteristic in America and decided to blow it out it's ass with Juno.
A few reasons why people enjoy this movie so much:
1. It's not peculiar, snarky, or impossible. It's the future.
2. Man, what a soundtrack. Every song is on the tip of Zach Braff's dick.
3. The main character is a girl.
4. She isn't popular. Or maybe she is. Everybody knows her. Does anyone not like her? I know America likes her. What is happening?
5. Michael Cera is her boyfriend. Tell me you're not thinking about the actually funny and heartwarming stuff he did before Juno as you watch Juno and even after Juno but isn't Juno.
6. There is no conflict. Juno, despite being 16, has no trouble being PREGNANT except for barfing slushie into an urn. How hard was it for Jennifer Garner to get over her husband being bored with her existence and leaving? Everyone is assertive and smart and takes no shit from anybody. So where am I supposed to care about anything?
7. References. Little boys and girls will watch Juno for years to sift through every reference so they can be told for the rest of their lives what is cool. Juno is a list of things that are cool to which Busey-Hunt honors by trivializing them. Former blogger Brooke has to know how cool this stuff is if she wrote it into a movie.
I mean, we meta-reference when we reference Juno. How likely is it that people walking out of the theatre said "Man, J.K. Simmons was great as her dad." If I had money I'd bet people walked out saying "Man, that asshole from Spiderman was great as her dad." Or "I knew that the guy from Arrested Development was going to leave the chick from Alias."
Basically Juno is a clusterfuck of pop culture, but it has heart. At least that's what the MARKETING CAMPAIGN keeps telling me.
I can't wait for the academy to put on it's heart-shaped glasses and step into the Junoverse.com and with a straight face hand the highest honor in film to a literal laundry list of things that were cool before Brooke retyped it onto the page.
So I didn't like this movie.
A few reasons why people enjoy this movie so much:
1. It's not peculiar, snarky, or impossible. It's the future.
2. Man, what a soundtrack. Every song is on the tip of Zach Braff's dick.
3. The main character is a girl.
4. She isn't popular. Or maybe she is. Everybody knows her. Does anyone not like her? I know America likes her. What is happening?
5. Michael Cera is her boyfriend. Tell me you're not thinking about the actually funny and heartwarming stuff he did before Juno as you watch Juno and even after Juno but isn't Juno.
6. There is no conflict. Juno, despite being 16, has no trouble being PREGNANT except for barfing slushie into an urn. How hard was it for Jennifer Garner to get over her husband being bored with her existence and leaving? Everyone is assertive and smart and takes no shit from anybody. So where am I supposed to care about anything?
7. References. Little boys and girls will watch Juno for years to sift through every reference so they can be told for the rest of their lives what is cool. Juno is a list of things that are cool to which Busey-Hunt honors by trivializing them. Former blogger Brooke has to know how cool this stuff is if she wrote it into a movie.
I mean, we meta-reference when we reference Juno. How likely is it that people walking out of the theatre said "Man, J.K. Simmons was great as her dad." If I had money I'd bet people walked out saying "Man, that asshole from Spiderman was great as her dad." Or "I knew that the guy from Arrested Development was going to leave the chick from Alias."
Basically Juno is a clusterfuck of pop culture, but it has heart. At least that's what the MARKETING CAMPAIGN keeps telling me.
I can't wait for the academy to put on it's heart-shaped glasses and step into the Junoverse.com and with a straight face hand the highest honor in film to a literal laundry list of things that were cool before Brooke retyped it onto the page.
So I didn't like this movie.
Monday, February 18, 2008
7:00 PM, February 18th, 2008
Daniel suggested I start my own blog. The problem is that I like how other people do it more. I like Comedy Oven. I like Fuck You That Movie Sucks. I can't improve on that. It's already solid.
What do I have to add to anything? Why would I wan't to have anything to do with something? It seems like a great waste of time. Andrew reads declassified documents and books about America as the first global superpower. Jordan makes out with Kat while he watches a satanic movie where a kid hammer's his mother's head in with a kitchen mallet. I'm hungry. I could have a tortilla and milk. Would that work?
Has anybody seen the new Indiana Jones Teaser Trailer? It's should be called Indiana Jones and the Cheeseball Schmaltz Express. The way this movie came about was that they ended the franchise with The Last Crusade and everyone was happy. They didn't ends things on a Temple of Doom note, even though they made sure Sallah was a fucking retard compared to Raiders of the Lost Ark. Then, while everyone was happy and counting the dollars, George Lucas had an idea. If we've learned anything about Lucas' ideas after an initial successful trilogy, these should be avoided. But the idea persisted, and when he took it to Spielberg and Ford, they waved it away. George was fine with that and decided to bide his time having screenwriter after screenwriter try to make something of his post-trilogy idea.
Then something amazing happened to Spielberg and Ford that worked in Lucas' favor. They got old. And in the twilight of their years they decided to take a dump on the house of cards they remarkably kept up for three installments. And so now, Crystal Skull in hand and Cate Blanchett as Prince Valiant in hot pursuit, Henry Jones Junior has moved past proving the existence of god to proving the existence of aliens.
That is right, bitches. This Cold War Indiana is all about aliens. Good thing his son Shia had experience with those last summer in the biggest hit of Michael Bay's career.
So on May 22, buy a ticket and shit your pants. That warm feeling in your shorts when you sit down will carry you through the embarrassment I feel this fourth installment will be.
But don't take my word for it.
What do I have to add to anything? Why would I wan't to have anything to do with something? It seems like a great waste of time. Andrew reads declassified documents and books about America as the first global superpower. Jordan makes out with Kat while he watches a satanic movie where a kid hammer's his mother's head in with a kitchen mallet. I'm hungry. I could have a tortilla and milk. Would that work?
Has anybody seen the new Indiana Jones Teaser Trailer? It's should be called Indiana Jones and the Cheeseball Schmaltz Express. The way this movie came about was that they ended the franchise with The Last Crusade and everyone was happy. They didn't ends things on a Temple of Doom note, even though they made sure Sallah was a fucking retard compared to Raiders of the Lost Ark. Then, while everyone was happy and counting the dollars, George Lucas had an idea. If we've learned anything about Lucas' ideas after an initial successful trilogy, these should be avoided. But the idea persisted, and when he took it to Spielberg and Ford, they waved it away. George was fine with that and decided to bide his time having screenwriter after screenwriter try to make something of his post-trilogy idea.
Then something amazing happened to Spielberg and Ford that worked in Lucas' favor. They got old. And in the twilight of their years they decided to take a dump on the house of cards they remarkably kept up for three installments. And so now, Crystal Skull in hand and Cate Blanchett as Prince Valiant in hot pursuit, Henry Jones Junior has moved past proving the existence of god to proving the existence of aliens.
That is right, bitches. This Cold War Indiana is all about aliens. Good thing his son Shia had experience with those last summer in the biggest hit of Michael Bay's career.
So on May 22, buy a ticket and shit your pants. That warm feeling in your shorts when you sit down will carry you through the embarrassment I feel this fourth installment will be.
But don't take my word for it.
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