Daniel suggested I start my own blog. The problem is that I like how other people do it more. I like Comedy Oven. I like Fuck You That Movie Sucks. I can't improve on that. It's already solid.
What do I have to add to anything? Why would I wan't to have anything to do with something? It seems like a great waste of time. Andrew reads declassified documents and books about America as the first global superpower. Jordan makes out with Kat while he watches a satanic movie where a kid hammer's his mother's head in with a kitchen mallet. I'm hungry. I could have a tortilla and milk. Would that work?
Has anybody seen the new Indiana Jones Teaser Trailer? It's should be called Indiana Jones and the Cheeseball Schmaltz Express. The way this movie came about was that they ended the franchise with The Last Crusade and everyone was happy. They didn't ends things on a Temple of Doom note, even though they made sure Sallah was a fucking retard compared to Raiders of the Lost Ark. Then, while everyone was happy and counting the dollars, George Lucas had an idea. If we've learned anything about Lucas' ideas after an initial successful trilogy, these should be avoided. But the idea persisted, and when he took it to Spielberg and Ford, they waved it away. George was fine with that and decided to bide his time having screenwriter after screenwriter try to make something of his post-trilogy idea.
Then something amazing happened to Spielberg and Ford that worked in Lucas' favor. They got old. And in the twilight of their years they decided to take a dump on the house of cards they remarkably kept up for three installments. And so now, Crystal Skull in hand and Cate Blanchett as Prince Valiant in hot pursuit, Henry Jones Junior has moved past proving the existence of god to proving the existence of aliens.
That is right, bitches. This Cold War Indiana is all about aliens. Good thing his son Shia had experience with those last summer in the biggest hit of Michael Bay's career.
So on May 22, buy a ticket and shit your pants. That warm feeling in your shorts when you sit down will carry you through the embarrassment I feel this fourth installment will be.
But don't take my word for it.
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