Snarky

My, oh my. America has fallen in love with the the peculiar, snarky, and impossible. Brooke Busey-Hunt recognized this characteristic in America and decided to blow it out it's ass with Juno.

A few reasons why people enjoy this movie so much:

1. It's not peculiar, snarky, or impossible. It's the future.

2. Man, what a soundtrack. Every song is on the tip of Zach Braff's dick.

3. The main character is a girl.

4. She isn't popular. Or maybe she is. Everybody knows her. Does anyone not like her? I know America likes her. What is happening?

5. Michael Cera is her boyfriend. Tell me you're not thinking about the actually funny and heartwarming stuff he did before Juno as you watch Juno and even after Juno but isn't Juno.

6. There is no conflict. Juno, despite being 16, has no trouble being PREGNANT except for barfing slushie into an urn. How hard was it for Jennifer Garner to get over her husband being bored with her existence and leaving? Everyone is assertive and smart and takes no shit from anybody. So where am I supposed to care about anything?

7. References. Little boys and girls will watch Juno for years to sift through every reference so they can be told for the rest of their lives what is cool. Juno is a list of things that are cool to which Busey-Hunt honors by trivializing them. Former blogger Brooke has to know how cool this stuff is if she wrote it into a movie.

I mean, we meta-reference when we reference Juno. How likely is it that people walking out of the theatre said "Man, J.K. Simmons was great as her dad." If I had money I'd bet people walked out saying "Man, that asshole from Spiderman was great as her dad." Or "I knew that the guy from Arrested Development was going to leave the chick from Alias."

Basically Juno is a clusterfuck of pop culture, but it has heart. At least that's what the MARKETING CAMPAIGN keeps telling me.

I can't wait for the academy to put on it's heart-shaped glasses and step into the Junoverse.com and with a straight face hand the highest honor in film to a literal laundry list of things that were cool before Brooke retyped it onto the page.

So I didn't like this movie.

7:00 PM, February 18th, 2008

Daniel suggested I start my own blog. The problem is that I like how other people do it more. I like Comedy Oven. I like Fuck You That Movie Sucks. I can't improve on that. It's already solid.

What do I have to add to anything? Why would I wan't to have anything to do with something? It seems like a great waste of time. Andrew reads declassified documents and books about America as the first global superpower. Jordan makes out with Kat while he watches a satanic movie where a kid hammer's his mother's head in with a kitchen mallet. I'm hungry. I could have a tortilla and milk. Would that work?

Has anybody seen the new Indiana Jones Teaser Trailer? It's should be called Indiana Jones and the Cheeseball Schmaltz Express. The way this movie came about was that they ended the franchise with The Last Crusade and everyone was happy. They didn't ends things on a Temple of Doom note, even though they made sure Sallah was a fucking retard compared to Raiders of the Lost Ark. Then, while everyone was happy and counting the dollars, George Lucas had an idea. If we've learned anything about Lucas' ideas after an initial successful trilogy, these should be avoided. But the idea persisted, and when he took it to Spielberg and Ford, they waved it away. George was fine with that and decided to bide his time having screenwriter after screenwriter try to make something of his post-trilogy idea.

Then something amazing happened to Spielberg and Ford that worked in Lucas' favor. They got old. And in the twilight of their years they decided to take a dump on the house of cards they remarkably kept up for three installments. And so now, Crystal Skull in hand and Cate Blanchett as Prince Valiant in hot pursuit, Henry Jones Junior has moved past proving the existence of god to proving the existence of aliens.

That is right, bitches. This Cold War Indiana is all about aliens. Good thing his son Shia had experience with those last summer in the biggest hit of Michael Bay's career.

So on May 22, buy a ticket and shit your pants. That warm feeling in your shorts when you sit down will carry you through the embarrassment I feel this fourth installment will be.

But don't take my word for it.